Sant Maam

 Of the rare moments my writer’s vein is waking up 🙂 most of the times is falling asleep just waiting for a change the next morning 😉

Qué te importa que te ame,
si tú no me quieres ya?
El amor que ya ha pasado
no se debe recordar

How many times a day a fresh face cleans up the mirrors so they stay spotless not staining the reflecting image..I hadn’t realized I was not paying attention to any mirrors,just passing by them quickly looking usually the other way.I hadn’t realized how many years had gone by until a unsuspected moment of the day I discovered a couple of old photos.Me smiling,me with friends,me careless,me with more flesh and life in me than what I have right now.

I hadn’t realized how why people were saying I was pretty.I used to think that I was having a horrible aspect.I took some distance from the photographic paper,taking looks at both images,the Before and the After ones.
I was ,let’s say, whatever nature made me with an expressive smile.I became quite skinny with a lifeless smile.
I was aspiring with high hopes,I became a hopeless individual grateful for making it through the day.
I was active,I remain active not to leave space for thoughts.
I was loving life,now I am scared I might lose my life



*coffee break*

Fui la ilusión de tu vida
un día lejano ya,
Hoy represento al pasado,
no me puedo conformar.


I couldn’t care less,now I care less than less.
I wasn’t putting my trust on anyone,now I am easily convinced by sprinkled lies.
I was believing that all wrong is paid back in this life,now I believe in a vindictive Never Never Land
I was breathing, now I need a respiration tube and mechanical support.
I was feeling I could touch the sky,now my ego has shrank.
It’s a personal comparison between faded images of the past and the bright colored ones of the present.I feel no need to apologize to anyone for my own mess.I feel no need to say I am sorry for a silent tear that fell on the keyboard.Anyhow the world is so silent right now I could scream and be heard to the end of the universe.I don’t write lyrics as I am awfull with words.I am better in silence.I can’t express my own feelings even if I am dieing to.
And guess what,that’s the only thing in common between the two pieces of photographic paper.The world has always been so silent but full of faces.Now it’s silent and lonely.

In fact it is totally devastated like the war zone after the bombing.Full of holes everywhere like open mouths releasing sounds unheard.
*Coffee break again*

How many times did the word “Silence” and its’ derivatives repeated themselves? As I use to say,there is nothing new under the sun.
Suffer and Pain isn’t my favorite game.Crying on my pillow either.I am not familiar with the term “depression” I never lost my self control.Yet lately I tend to believe all that could relief the burden of my soul and makes me wonder.. When did I change so much.Worse than that,Why did I feel the need to change so much?
On the other hand,I couldn’t care less..

Obviously I look like a pathetic desperate undefined being.I can totally understand as I have been through the young years of Arrogance and the Ignorance of the Immortal Bodies.There is no such thing unfortunately,the death wishes don’t correspond to the reality.One thing I learned until now: whoever seeks death,death will get.
Not my game either.Subcategory of Suffering and Pain.I was born to live even with crippled days and sleepless nights.I only wish I had this knowledge when I was younger: Nobody and Nothing ,Absolutely nothing is worth a lost life.Possibly as I lost mine not by physical death, the worst way to depart from this world and wander to the eternity:
A dead spirit inside the scull.
Wrong decisions taken under real pressure,on the move,constant rush building up a mountain of mistakes so tall that the peak is out of sight.A labyrinth of seconds and minutes embroided randomly on the wrong pattern.
Sometimes nothing makes sense.
I guess I don’t make sense either.
On the other hand I couldn’t care less.

Starting over :
How many times a day a fresh face cleans up the mirrors so they stay spotless not staining the reflecting image..I hadn’t realized I was not paying attention to any mirrors,just passing by them quickly looking usually the other way.I hadn’t realized how many years had gone by until a unsuspected moment of the day I discovered a couple of old photos.Me smiling,me with friends,me careless,me with more flesh and life in me than what I have right now…………………………………………………………………….. blabla blaaaaaaa

3am ,the alarm clock rings,I don’t want to get up shivering in the cold but the bed is colder than the entire ambient,hands come out of the mattress  the hands that have haunted it ,pushing me out of the covers  like frozen stalactites like a cave trying to absorb me to consume  me in a last desperate effort,the  cushions whispering deceitfully to my ears “I love you,I always had and I always will” mixing the voices and blurring the memories.

The implanted guilts push me down the staircase screaming ” You never loved me” as I land on the last step trying to figure out why ,still confused from the repetition of the same scene  I put the pieces of my past together  trying to make the first coffee of the night before it turns into a painful day.

Si las cosas que uno quiere
se pudieran alcanzar,
tú me quisieras lo mismo
que veinte años atrás.

Con qué tristeza miramos
un amor que se nos va
Es un pedazo del alma
que se arranca sin piedad

“You lied to me” A deep voice comes from inside the chimney  as the fire wood rolls at my feet crying “ I trusted you”.The window opens wide fiercely and  the handle whines” You were the love of my life”   forcing me to step back frozen by the wind  stumbling upon the grieving coffee table “ You hurt me so deeply”.

The entrance door vanishes in front of my awakening eyes,revealing a misty appealing landscape urging me to lose myself into the semi lit woods  while the lachrymose walls  bend begging “Don’t go please”

But I do want to go,I have been gone since a long time ago as I walk backwards to the tangled branches looking back at the dismantled figures and distorted faces .

“You can’t reach me” I whisper  almost petrified  the shape of me  dissolving with the rain.

“You will always be a part of me” the voices fade away as I fend off finding myself in an unknown place an ideal place,a quiet place almost serene  out of time,out of the present out of any known dimension.No gravity. No remorses.No walls.

Absolutely nothing.

Absolute Freedom.

“I loved you  but I don’t love you anymore. “

My voice echoed in the room.

The palm of my hand ran over the warm mattress ,the covers feeling so warm and my gaze fixed at the bedroom door.


“ I should write a book some day” my thoughts mumbled as they fell asleep again

Looking back seems that I was so fortunate to have been loved by everybody in my life.I wonder if it is so,why II still have this bitter taste in my mouth,maybe I am the one who can’t distinct love from hatred or maybe the love I was provided with was disguised hatred.

‘ I love you but I want to hurt you’ is one of the loving phrases still echoing in my heart,not even in my mind.I really embraced that phrase.Contains all the alleged love I  received in a  soul damaging mode.

Speaking of which,I was put on a stand by mode without me noticing:

I love you but I don’t like your attitude.


I love you but I don’t like your outfit


I love you but those shoes……… well


I love you but I don’t feel comfortable with your friends


I love you but……

Pause,rewind and stop pressed.Silence from the speakers.

The significant other inquires really concerned

Something’s wrong?

How on earth could something be wrong!Everything is really rolling in our non relationship.

 And all of the sudden,an expected flashback hits the brain cells:

You are late,where were you?

Don’t you know? At work?

How  do I know?

What do you mean?

You are seeing someone else,don’t you.

Smiling victoriously at the court when the judge announces the court order but with the heart ripped off.One more failure in the list.

Supposingly moving on.Of course,it is exactly what all human beings should do,the only difference is that I moved on in circles,Just like Ursula Buendia was saying in Marquez’s book,One Hundred Years of Solitude.

*Inner thought* Maybe I could reach a life of one hundred years in absolute solitude.

* Flashback*

A shot of Absolute vodka somewhere in the States and the Absolute  list is getting longer.

One more failure,who cares,I will yes maybe probably I will get over him,well don’t worry about me,of course I am fine I could’t ever be better,oh please who do you think I am,I know how to face situations *phone chats,meetings with concerned friends a hurt look from my mother.

I told you many times it’s my life!

I think if you were changing your outfit maybe you would be having more luck……


 Even if you quit asking the same question.

Okay mom,maybe you should be wearing high heels again when you can hardly walk?

Back on the airplane ,one more failure,at the other side of the ocean plenty of failures,regressing like walking on ice,sliding  from day to day and from year to year.

New horizonts wide open in front of me:

Lovely quiet candle lit nights, maybe the  quest was worth it.A new found land.

Wrong again.

But I do love you.

But I don’t.

But I love you with all my heart.

Thanks but I don’t.

Moving on as all human beings are supposed to.Mayor’s office on a dull Sunday morning,nothing really important.One happy month. The second one , one more failure.


I really don’t know.

How can you possibly not know!

I am really sorry I mean I really am sorry.

You aren’t sorry at all.But why  her?

I honestly don’t know.I wouldn’t lie to you.

*Sorry,but you lied already*

Moving on as I should do this time.

I love you.

Why me?

But I do,I can’t explain it.

I can’t either.

The unexplained remains unexplained and one more failure .Moving on as only I should do to maintain my clarity and possibly my sanity too.With flashbacks and with no final decisions,not cutting bridges with  the failures the contrary,keeping them all so alive I could even touch their hand.Trapped in a dead end with an obvious exit and me faking a smile.

Dark days arrived ,they asked to stay for a couple of days and they stayed for a couple of years.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me!

I will always be here.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I am sorry for what happened in the past.

Anyone of you two has a tissue or something? Please?

Both handed me just a band aid .For once in my life I had  something to hold on to,a band aid. But none was there  as loud as I called their names.Confusing my days with mixed signals sent from the core  meeting my own ones half way  creating a wonderful  colorful blizzard  pouring stars on us.

I  want us back together.

Too late,sorry.I don’t like your attitude and your shoes.

Rewinding but never moving on.I am fine,thanks for asking.

i love Africa. love The culture. love anything that has to do with this world.

my problem is that this world doesnt love my countries..
Beats me why. But yall take care and love each other as no one would ever do


About irmedeaca

3 responses to “Sant Maam

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